Fighting Fairly in Marriage
Conflict breeds conflict. That’s why couples should focus on preventing conflicts before they begin. Let grace be abundant, talk to each other and encourage each other.
Conflict itself is a major source of marital conflict. We become angry and frustrated because we fight constantly.
If every little irritation or annoyance becomes a topic of discussion, the spiral starts to descend: Why is she picky? Why does he always complain?
Couples can avoid conflicts from ever starting. Here are five practical tips to help you get out of that business relationship and start a new marriage.
1. Attend the wedding.
You must be present to succeed in any event. Why should you miss the rest? You attended the wedding.
You must find time together to build a strong commitment.
Let us clarify before you check this item off of your list. Developing commitment requires a specific kind of time spent together.
You need to get your body and mind in the same place at the same moment. Choose activities that are not just watching DVDs. You need to interact (gasp!) with your partner.
It’s time to slow down, and to think about something other than work, kids, or the carpool schedule for next week. It’s time to spend more time together as lovers, not only as business partners.
It’s hard to find this kind of time. You may be surprised to find that you are unable to make the most of the time you do have.
2. Discuss something else.
We used to bring our calendars out for lunch every time. We’d spend every minute talking about the next week: the kids, dentists, car repairs, dry cleaners, etc. . .
What was the last thing you did to ask your friend what she thought of art? (And not take the kids to an art museum). What about politics (and not changing voter registration)? God (and not the church activities for next week)? What was the last topic you discussed with your friend other than business?
It is hard to keep up with the pace of life. Planning and coordination are essential for getting things done. To become more committed to your partner, you must know more about them. You need to change the subject of conversation from time to time.
3. Encouragement and praise are abundant.
Samuel Johnson said that praise, like diamonds and gold, is only valuable because it’s rare.
We have discovered a basic principle of marriage economics: conflict increases as praise and encouragement decrease.
In the absence of praise from their husbands, women tend to assume that they are not being praised. You would have told me if I was doing it correctly; there must be something wrong.
Men often adopt the opposite attitude. They take the opposite approach, believing that the absence of criticism is approval. You would have been told if you were doing something wrong.
She hears his approval but not his complaint. If a husband is happy with his wife but doesn’t bother to tell her, he may be in for an unexpected fight.
Joe Murray writes, “Marriage is a duet.” When one sings, the second claps.
Praise and encouragement will help you to invest in dedication. If you don’t encourage and praise your wife, then who will?
This is an opportunity to make a difference in the life of your partner.
4. Create a gratitude-based lifestyle.
The Bible strongly recommends that you express your gratitude by saying it out loud.
The expression of gratitude not only encourages the receiver; it has a powerful perspective-correcting effect on the sender too. It can drown out complaining and grumbling, and shift the focus of the receiver. The half-empty cup suddenly appears half-full.
We can all find things to complain about, but there are also many reasons to be grateful, especially for our partner. Perspective is everything.
You are also saying “I care, I notice and I need you” when you remember to thank your partner. These are powerful messages that can help you overcome feelings of disapproval and discouragement.
5. Let grace abound.
New Living Translation: Proverbs 19.11 states, “Sensible individuals control their temper. They earn respect by overlooking mistakes.”
Grace is about letting go of wrongs. It makes sense, as the proverb says, to let things go and control your temper.
We “earn” respect from our partners when we are generous and forgiving. They will then be more willing to reciprocate.
How can you ignore something that you find so offensive? If it’s an offense that’s serious, you can’t and shouldn’t.
You should create a home environment where you don’t mind the little things. Do not underestimate the power this principle has: life is full of little things.
Grace is not an independent principle, but rather the culmination of all four principles. Grace is the result of spending time with friends and lovers. It’s also when we praise and encourage each other.
Conflict is the root of all conflict. Couples should focus on preventing conflicts before they begin. Let grace be abundant, talk to each other and encourage each other. You will find that you are creating an environment where conflict does not grow.
Copyright 2010, Moody Publishers. All rights reserved.