After working in the field of psychology for 20 years, I’ve come to realize that we are responsible for a lot of our own pain. Relationships are an important part of every clinical issue that psychologists address. Take a look at these questions.

• Do you feel the same way you did in your previous relationships?
• Are you constantly choosing people who hurt you to be your friends or fall in love?
• Are you wondering if “good ones” are out there?
• Do emotional upheavals often result from choosing someone you don’t like?
• Do you often ask yourself, “How did I end up in this mess?”

Many people can identify with these feelings. They feel that their relationships are lacking, and wonder why they find themselves in these situations. They wonder if they have done something wrong, if they “deserved” to be treated this way and if they can change it.

Truthfully, poor relationship choices are often self-inflicted. However, they can be improved with some effort. Many people are in a series of bad relationships and never stop to think about why. Many people assume that they’re unlucky and don’t consider there might be another way to choose in relationships.

Let’s first look at the choices that people make. What is a bad choice? Character. If someone has a good makeup, it will determine whether they are a good partner. We are drawn to the outside of someone: their looks or status, intelligence, or accomplishments. We also experience the character of a person. Character determines how a person will behave in a relationship. They won’t be good at relationships if they can’t do certain things which require good character.

Over the years I have worked with many people and found that relationship problems arise when either one or both participants are not able to meet the demands of a relation. It is often because of their emotional insufficiency. Unmet needs can cause a lot pain.

In this article we will look at four key principles to help you find the right partner, be a good person and build healthy relationships.

Connectivity

Relationships are based on emotional connection. Bonds are what we call our attachments to other people. They are maintained and created by the ability of someone to connect and share from the heart with all its emotional vulnerability and tender feelings.

Most people can relate to each other on a social and superficial level. In a relationship that lasts a long time, it is important to feel safe in sharing your heart. When evaluating the person you want to share your heart with, make sure they are able to respond to your feelings and vulnerability in a responsible way. Also, ask if they will be able to share their heart with you. This is how relationships are formed and maintained. Consider the following questions:

• Can they empathize and listen to your vulnerabilities and feelings? Can they relate to you on an emotional level.
• When you leave a time spent with someone, do you feel connected or alone?
• Can you be assured that your bond is protected to a high degree?

Boundaries

Respecting each other’s boundaries is another important part of a healthy relationship. A boundary is the line on your property that marks where you begin and end. Respect is the key to a good relationship. Each person must respect the “person” of their partner.

You can tell if someone respects boundaries by whether or not you feel in control or if you feel controlled or invaded. Healthy people will respect you and your right to control yourself. They will also respect what you choose to do or not do. When you refuse to do something, are they unreasonable? They can they let you be apart from them, and have your own space? They may see you as an extension to themselves in some way. Do they feel that they have the right to control and manipulate you, or do they just want you to be happy? Ask yourself the following questions.

• Can you refuse to spend too much time with someone and still be accepted by them?
• In a dating relationship, do they push other areas such as the body?
• Do they respect and hear your “no”, when you push them further than you wish to go?
• Are you allowed to hold different values, opinions and wishes? Do you feel that you are expected to “clone” what you want to be or have them?
• Do you feel that your choices are respected by the other person? Do you feel that there is only “one will” in a relationship? Does it feel like “their way or highway ?”?

Perfectionism

A relationship’s ability to handle the imperfections of both partners is also important. We will never be perfect or love a perfect partner in this world. How will the two people deal with imperfections?

Has anyone ever felt pressured to be “ideal?” This type of relationship can have disastrous consequences. It can be difficult to accept yourself as you are, with all your imperfections and faults.

Perfectionism in dating relationships can manifest itself as the pressure to act or look a certain way, so that your partner is happy. It can also be the pressure of not making mistakes or disappointing friends. In parent-child relations, the pressure can be on a child to live up to unrealistic expectations and be the “trophy child”.

Consider these questions.

• Does your partner mind if you’re “less than perfect”? What happens if you gain weight or you don’t appear the way your partner would like you to? What if your partner is not as successful as you would like?
• Do you feel free to admit to others that you made a mistake?
• Can you be yourself with your partner? Are you willing to share your flaws and the parts of yourself that don’t make you feel good?
• Do you feel “image pressures in your relationship?” Are you feeling pressured to pretend to be someone you’re not, and wishing that you could be yourself?

Equality

We will conclude by examining the ability of your significant other to view you as an equal partner in the relationship. The “one-up/one-down” dynamic is often present in difficult relationships. One partner has to always be in charge and act as the “parent”. They communicate with each other by using “shoulds”, telling them what to do and not to do. It works for a child and parent but not in adult friendships or marriages.

It is all about being dominated. Dominating relationships can be very immature and stunt emotional growth for both parties. They may seem comfortable but they are often miserable and limiting. Being controlled by another person does not lead to intimacy. Consider these questions to determine if you have an equality problem in your relationship:

• Do You Feel That The Other Person Always Has To Be In A Superior Position?
• Do they make you feel like a kid?
• Do You Feel Dominate and Put Down, Even in a Nice Way?
• Does your relationship have a judgemental tone?

These character problems help relationships grow and last. If someone has the character issues we have just discussed, it doesn’t matter how attractive they are or how much you like them. You will be in trouble no matter how beautiful they may look. Consider these characteristics when choosing your next relationship as closely as you would any other factor that may attract you to a person.

The Problem

We can’t predict how someone will react in certain situations. They may appear to be someone who respects boundaries today, but in six months they could be hogging all of your attention and time. We can’t all evaluate each other perfectly. We can all improve!

Knowledge is only part of the equation when it comes to finding people with whom we can build a relationship. Our own character is the most important part of our solution. We must first be a healthy person to pick out people with good character. We must connect with someone to find out if they can connect. We must have our own boundaries in order to relate to someone who has good boundaries. We must let go of our perfectionism to be with someone real.

Spiritual growth is the process of making necessary changes to our character. We grow to become who we were meant to be as we mature inside. As a result we make better decisions in our relationships. It’s not easy to work on our spiritual life and makeup. Those who have accepted this challenge find it worth the effort.

Get to work. Find a community that will help you grow in your connection skills, freedom from others’ control, being real and equal. In such a group, you can develop your spirituality as you learn how to relate more deeply to God and to others. You will be surprised by the life-long benefits.