Understanding Attachment Styles
Why are some people more detached and aloof in their relationships while others need more reassurance and codependence?
The attachment theory, which has been studied since 1958 explains why different people have different styles of relating. Understanding your default style will help you to understand many of the challenges and patterns that you face when dating or forming new relationships.
We’ll look at three of the most common attachments styles and see how they are formed during childhood. Then we’ll discuss how to develop a more secure style.
What is your attachment style?
Psychologists say that this begins in childhood, when you depend on your caregiver to meet all of your emotional and physical needs.
A child who has a reliable, kind relationship will grow up to be a more secure adult. When the caregiver is unreliable or incapable of meeting the child’s need, the child will either be indifferent (avoidant) or desperately try to regain contact with the caregiver by crying or screaming.
The attachment styles in romantic relationships transfer from the caretaker partner to the partner.
Remember that your attachment style does not explain all of your relationships. You should also be aware that your attachment style may change over the course of your life. Childhood is not the only thing that influences this. It’s possible that the person you are dating will have a different style of attachment than your own. It is for this reason that I prefer to refer to anxious or avoidant “tendencies”, rather than them being the default setting.
What are the different attachment types and how do they develop in childhood?
There is a choice of three attachment styles:
- Anxious or Ambivalent – These children learned to expect that their caregivers would be available at different times, so they became more afraid of being abandoned and sought reassurance. This made them the most “clingy”;
2. Avoidant: These children were no longer interested in being taken care of and had become overly independent. They viewed relationships as being less important, and felt more comfortable keeping emotional distance with others.
3. Secure These children learned to expect that their caregivers would be there to support them emotionally and physically, and they began to believe this was because they deserved love and respect.
Understanding the Anxious Attachment Type
The people with an anxious attachment tend to be the ones who are always trying to get things moving forward in relationships. They often want to make it happen and encourage closeness too early. They are constantly seeking reassurance and become anxious if there is any uncertainty in their relationship.
People with anxiety tendencies should be aware of what’s called “protest behavior” e.g. When they are feeling insecure, people may try to make their partner jealous or withdraw/make themselves unavailable.
As a study showed, people with anxious attachment tend to talk more about their relationship on social media. Someone who is confident does not need social reassurance and can be present with their partner.
Due to the polarity between them, people with anxiety tendencies tend to be attracted by people who have avoidant tendencies. It is common for each partner to magnify their partner’s insecurities, fears and anxieties. This can lead to a difficult relationship.
This can lead to both anxious and avoidant individuals feeling that relationships “are meant to be difficult” and that there is not ‘enough chemistry’ or passion in a relationship if they do not experience these intense highs/lows. Insecure people may view others with secure attachment styles as boring, but dating someone secure can lead to a more satisfying relationship in the end.
Understanding the Avoidant Attachment Style
Avoidant people also want intimacy, but they are afraid of it. They have learned to associate intimacy with losing their autonomy, which makes them withdraw when the relationship gets more intimate.
They may initially actively pursue a romantic relationship, but once it becomes real, they will withdraw. Avoidant people are often sending mixed messages because they’re trying to resolve their inner conflicts about intimacy and closeness. When the relationship is going well, this can cause confusion for their partner.
Avoidant people may also actively pursue relationships which are unlikely to succeed, such as by having an affair, pursuing unavailable people, or committing themselves to a holiday romance.
People with avoidant tendencies often feel more comfortable in a relationship when they are in one with no future. If their partner were to leave their marriage, or if a holiday romance was to become more serious, then their avoidant attachment style would likely be triggered.
Avoidants should be aware of their own “distancing” strategies (therapy may be needed to help with this), which they use unconsciously to keep others engaged, but at a distance.
Understanding the Secure Attachment Style
People who are secure enjoy intimacy and closeness, and they can build healthy relationships in the context of healthy boundaries. They are good communicators and empathetic, and they can manage their feelings and impulses.
They are emotionally stable in relationships and can roll with the changes. Secure people are also less likely to take things personal. They tend to be good at forming and maintaining long-lasting friendships, and have good relationships within their family and community.
It is good to know that approximately 50% of the population are secure. Dating a partner who is secure can help those who are anxious or avoidant to develop a better style of relationship as they set an example.
Dating:
Early on in the dating phase, it is helpful to be able identify someone’s attachment style. However, this takes time. You will not likely be able accurately assess this on your first or third date.
For example, a partner may seem secure during the first few dates but only when you show greater interest will their avoidant attachment style be triggered.
Some signs to watch for include:
- What do they say about their friendships?If the person you are dating says they have many friends but no close friends or long-term ones, then they may be feeling insecure.
- How comfortable do they feel in expressing their emotions?
People with avoidant attachment tend to feel less comfortable discussing their feelings. Instead, they focus on superficial topics and refrain from getting too personal. A secure person will be more open to sharing their feelings. - What is the communication between dates?
A person who is anxiously attached might text or call you frequently to check in and connect. It’s almost like they think you are already in a committed relationship. A person who is avoidant will leave a lot of space between communications, not commit to another date, and keep the relationship open-ended.
It may take several dates to determine someone’s true attachment style.
It’s good news for those who are anxious or avoidant. They can work to develop a stronger attachment.
How? First, one must acknowledge and understand their tendencies. If you are prone to an anxious attachment, you should be aware of the times when you play out your protest behaviour.
If you’re avoidant, you may notice that you keep people at a distance. You must have the courage to approach potential partners.
Dating a person who is more secure can help someone with anxiety or avoidant tendencies develop a secure attachment style. They will learn that they don’t have to resort a distancing strategy or protest behaviour to feel safe in their relationship.
For a deeper exploration of attachment styles I often recommend to my clients Attached, by Dr Amir Levine & Rache S.F. Heller, MA