Unrealistic expectations in marriage

Phantoms can ruin marriages because they are unattainable standards by which to measure performance, ability, appearance, and character.

During World War II, the American forces in France used a phantom army — the 23rd Headquarters Special Troops.

They created the illusion of military power by staging carefully and using show business theatrics. This was done to deceive the Germans.

They created fake tanks, and other equipment, which looked like real items from the air, to mask their true locations.

Battle Imaginary Phantoms

There are many husbands and wifes who have these phantoms in their heads — they’re unreal mental images they believe they must fight.

The phantoms are only visible to the people who create them, but they appear real nonetheless.

Phantoms is an impossible standard to measure our performance, ability, appearance and character.

There’s nothing wrong about having goals to strive for. However, a “phantom” is by definition an illusion, apparition, or a resemblance to reality.

You have an image of what you want to be as a wife or husband, father or mom. This image may be so idealistic, so perfect that it’s impossible to achieve.

You still judge yourself by this ghost every day! Since you can’t meet those standards, it affects your self-esteem.

Struggling Daily With Phantoms

It can be frustrating to live in the shadow of your phantoms. And it can also be confusing for the spouse, who cannot see the apparition. They may wonder why their partner seems unhappy. Phantoms can derail marriages.

Barbara, my wife, described to me her phantom, what she thought she should be as a mother and wife. Here’s a small portion of what Barbara wrote:

• She is patient, loving, and understanding.
• She is organized, and has a good balance between being flexible and disciplined.
• Her children always obey her the first time.
• She is submissive, but not passive. She is always energetic.
• She is always attractive, whether she’s wearing jeans and a sweatshirt to dig in the garden, or a silk gown and heels for a dinner.
• She is never lonely, sick or discouraged.
• She is a woman of faith who walks daily with God, prays, studies the Bible, and does not hesitate to share her faith.
• She prays “without ceasing.” She prays for flat tires, keys lost and teddy-bears lost.
• She says “thank you” to her husband when he is late for dinner.

Phantoms are only illusions. We don’t see them for what they are.

Having such goals can motivate you to do better and be better.

When they turn into illusory hopes, you feel insecure. You wonder if “the real” you is accepted by your partner. It’s possible to feel like you are a loser, when in reality your partner may consider you as a winner.

Barbara’s phantom was a lofty goal, but mine is even more unattainable.

• He gets up early to read the Bible, pray and then run several miles in seven minutes.
• He presents a 15 minute devotional after breakfast with his family.
• He arrives 10 minutes earlier than usual to work, never forgetting his wife’s goodbye kiss and hug.
• He is always patient with his co-workers and content with his work.
• He is in complete control and his desk is always neat.
• He never misses a day of work and never refuses his children when they ask to play.
• He has a good knowledge of world affairs, politics and social issues.
• He is never discouraged, does not want to give up and has always the right words in any situation.
• He always plans romantic trips for himself and his wife.
• He is able to quote entire sections of Scripture with ease, has faith that can rival a locomotive and is quicker than a speeding Bullet when it comes to resolving family disputes.

These phantoms can ultimately lead to a heavy burden of guilt. Here’s where a marriage relationship can be a great help. Spend some time with your partner describing your own phantoms.

You can ask your friend where they got these expectations. Discuss which expectations are realistic, and which ones aren’t. Kill the phantoms within.